When I’m low on resources, I often return to one of my favourite books: Let your life speak, by Parker Palmer. The book’s theme is wholeness and accepting all aspects of ourselves: our light and darkness, our gifts and foibles, our ability to be both self-serving and generous, our warts and wisdoms. Palmer’s writing resonates with me – each time I read these thought-provoking essays I discover something I haven’t noticed before. This time, it was a quote from playwright, activist and psychologist, Florida Scott-Maxwell:
‘You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done…you are fierce with reality.’
The phrase ‘fierce with reality’ landed viscerally. I felt the essential truth in Scott-Maxwell’s words: if we recognise and own our humanness, in all its glory and flaws, we’ll be ‘powerful beyond measure’ (to borrow from Marianne Williamson). For me, this happens when I’m fully present and alive with possibility. Such moments can occur even when I’m weary and depleted – inviting me to embrace both the temporary state of grace and an underlying heaviness of spirit.
I’ve had plenty of opportunity to explore this ground in recent months, a period of sustained (first world) challenges which have tested me in unexpected ways. I’ve been navigating unfamiliar terrain and struggling with uncertainties, scant information and ‘getting my head around’ new situations. My embodied experience has been a roller coaster – thrills and spills, ups and downs. The body acclimatises to change in its own time, typically more slowly than the mind. Understanding this, I knew that I must also ‘get my body around’ each fresh development and progress at body-pace, not mind-pace.
This has used energy that I’d rather have invested elsewhere (like writing my third book). Trying to make good choices along the way has taken application, with two significant costs.
Firstly, I’ve been making uncharacteristic mistakes. Some are quite amusing – in late April, I realised I’d drafted my March invoices and forgotten to send them out – an irony not lost on my clients, given I’m an accountant-to-trade. However, I haven’t yet managed to raise a smile about reversing my car (very slowly) into a misshapen tree, requiring repair work to three panels. Expensive!
Secondly, my capacity to draw on Leadership Embodiment (LE) practices and access centre has gradually eroded. The principle of the LE approach is that we notice when we’re stretched, stressed or exercised by a situation and use a centring practice to recover our poise and perspective. If we’re fairly settled and operating more-or-less within our resources, we have reasonable bandwidth for this. And the practice itself replenishes our reserves.
However, if we’re deeply challenged, very busy, immersed in grief and/or under constant pressure, our capacity to regroup is reduced. It takes a little more effort to resource ourselves, offsetting the replenishing aspect of the practice. This has been my reality for several months.
And yet… during this time, I’ve brought clarity, commitment and yes, even ferocity, to reviving the fortunes of Weekly Leadership Contemplations. In ‘making myself mine’, I’ve accepted that this book really matters to me. As does Pause for Breath. And the new book I’m writing. Perhaps this is why Scott-Maxwell’s words leapt off the page – for the first time, I’m truly possessing my identity as a writer.
In being fierce with reality and also recognising that I’m drained by what I’m doing, I’ve been prioritising, leaving less bandwidth for other things. I’m a little more distracted and prone to making mistakes. I’m a little less able to do things that stretch me and to put what I know into practice – even though, as friends often remind me, I teach this stuff. And so… I have to find the self-compassion to accept my current limits.
In reflecting further on Scott-Maxwell’s words, I found another interpretation for ‘fierce with reality’. As well as being a glorious description of living vibrantly, these words could refer to being fierce in the face of reality, in meeting the adversities and absurdities of life with courage and determination. I wonder if this is the outer expression of an inner fierceness of spirit? I think it may be!
Contemplations
- How might you truly embrace everything in your experience and ‘make yourself yours’?
- What unfolds when you are ‘fierce with reality’?
