Confidence and doubt

A fellow coach, Eileen Moir, recently offered me the privilege of reading a piece of reflective writing about her journey with a life-long challenge. Although the piece focused on something specific to her, she touched on universal themes such as the dance between confidence and doubt; an exploration of the fear that often underlies doubt; and an inquiry into the deeper structures that hold an aspect of ‘self’ in place.

Amongst many insights in Eileen’s piece, two caught my attention. The first was a reference to:

‘a strange juxtaposition of a confident outwards sense of self and, like the silent ‘b’ in doubt, a hidden fear …’

This evocative sentence surfaces a discrepancy that’s often present between how we show up and our inner experience.    

I think that such a blend of confidence and doubt is part of being human: most of us feel confident in some realms and full of doubt in others. For example, in my work, I often had confidence in my capacity to coach. This confidence extended to a sense of ‘being’ – coaching isn’t something I did, I am a coach (with or without clients). I don’t have the same confidence about my writing – each time I post, I fear that my words will be judged and found wanting, or that no-one will read them. The sense that I’m not a ‘real’ writer fills me with doubt.

A more subtle juxtaposition of opposite experiences arises when they occur in the same realm, those moments when we feel confident, yet have unexpressed doubts. Or those moments when we’re full of doubt, yet notice that a seed of confidence is also present. For me, this paradox is an aspect of the internal dialogue that’s always playing out within us. It unfolds because, as humans, we’re often not coherent in what we think, feel, sense and/or experience: we can be ‘in two minds’ about something, or know that our head and heart are ‘at odds’.   

The second aspect of Eileen’s writing that caught my attention was an exploration of what changed when she shifted from trying to master, or control, the aspect of self that troubled her and accepted it, becoming curious about the beliefs, perceptions, emotions and history that held it in place. She shifted from tightening around a difficulty to loosening and including it: holding the associated doubts in balance with her outward confidence allowed her to move beyond them.

This shift resonates with the way I work with the voices of internal dialogue, which I’ve written about at length in both Pause for Breath and Approaching Difference Differently. I’ll try to describe the essence of the approach here – it’s rooted in the practices of Leadership Embodiment (LE).

In LE we reference three archetypal voices associated with three centres of energy: head, heart and core/gut. The principle is that each centre experiences the world differently and this, when acknowledged, allows us to explore any disparities that arise. And so, in the context of confidence and doubt, we begin by wondering how and where they show up in the body.

Personally, confidence presents in my thinking (head) and doubt shows up in my heart, often in the form of ‘who am I to …?’ When they’re both present, I tend see-saw between over-confidence and debilitating doubt, and become stuck.   

What if, instead, I could accept the juxtaposition, and hold each experience as legitimate?

The capacity for doing this resides in the third centre. In my case, this is the core/gut, a centre of energy that’s concerned with what matters. When I include the voices of all three centres, holding them in parity, my perspective expands: I find the courage to speak and/or act (appropriate confidence), whilst knowing that the outcome is uncertain (appropriate doubt).

In using this light framework to explore the juxtaposition of opposites, it’s important to examine and embrace our own experience. For some people, ‘confidence’ resides in the gut/core and ‘doubt’ in the mind/head. In this case, it’s the heart that expands to hold the discrepancy. The principle is that, wherever opposite experiences arise, we invite the third centre to hold space for them. 

Contemplations

• When you feel confident, how do you know you’re feeling confident? Is confidence most present in your head, heart or gut/core? When you feel doubt, in which centre is the experience strongest?

• What happens if you regard confidence and doubt as two legitimate perspectives and find a third perspective that allows you to hold them in balance?